Considering being “willing to try and have the willingness”.  Thinking about, what it would be like thinking about it.  It is the precursor in sobriety to “let’s get real and take shit serious”.

One of my biggest demons is the Casino.  If you’re interested in degenerate gambler actions see (Major Todd Adderall and gambling).

The fact is, I never honestly put everything into breaking my gambling addiction.  At times I still flirt with the beast.  I’m sober so I know addiction: with gambling, It is not what I want for my life.  I have no sense of control.

Anyway, AA works, Sobriety is great!  I can tell you how I stay sober till I am blue in the face.  Gambling, I can not tell you how not to gamble.  I do not know that.

My gambling though….  Sometimes, I think of steps 6 and 7.

  1. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  2. Humbly asked him to remove our short comings.

When I got to these steps in my recovery I was like.  Yeah OKAY!  Sure!  Fake it till I make it right?

In gambling we call that hedging the bet..  Keeping your fingers crossed behind your back while shaking hands with your sponsor.

Eventually I did ask my sponsor.  “I don’t drink no more and that is great.  What about the fact that I am addicted to gambling?”  He said, “Let’s focus on one problem at a time”.  It was a good answer at the time.  Drinking was going to end me up in Jail or dead.  But now (4 years later) I feel different.

Sickest part of gambling, I did it to run away from feelings/people/life.  Today, I do not have any excuses.  I like my feelings people and life!  I think so..

(Indulge my ego a minute!)  I am a disabled vet, (college and rent paid).  I just bought a 2011 mustang.  I am privileged to be a father.  Sober 4 years.  Oh, I started dating a doctor last year.  Awesome!

What Triggered (Recently)?:  I got this ultimate card in the mail, (it is a 4th tier Casio card) I get my own parking spot near the door, free pizza, $40 bucks in free play and discount rooms.  You know, free bullshit!  I had to go and check it out.  Hours later, bad story..

With things today, I have my son over the summer.  I drove across the US and went to a bunch of AA meetings in different states.  I expose him to “the deal”, it is great for my sobriety.  Yesterday I took my son to a GA meeting with me.  Why not, he has been to every other kind of meeting?  Going to GA with my 10 year old was impact-full!

Dent

 

With GA I always had my foot half in the door.  Honestly I can say, “I do not want to be a gambler.”  But sometimes, even when I am sober I am not myself, I am someone else.  I think of the character Two Face from Bat-Man!  And when I gamble, it gets pretty fucking sick.  You would think I am trying to lose money.

I take issue with my actions when I act like I don’t want to act.  People in casinos are not living life, they are like animals being brought to slaughter.  Sometimes I don’t gamble, a month maybe two.  When I go back, it may even be a good experience.  Eventually, days later, bad story.   (I got 9 months on my own one time, living in Reno.)

(Honestly) I never put EVERYTHING into not gambling.  I have not been totally willing until I took my boy with me.  I went to a GA newcomers meeting yesterday.  I got my welcome key-chain.  When I spoke, “I need a sponsor, I need to be here, I will shut the fuck up and listen”!  That is where I am at.  I know, “Keep coming back, even with 4 years sober!”  lol

What about you, thoughts concerns questions.  Follow me on my WordPress blog here.  Thanks for reading.  Ill continue to post some good stuff mixed with some piles of monkey crap.

Stay sober, B

Picture Credit.

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