My mind is in the same state as my house.
Well right now, having my 10 year old here, my house is trashed.
Psychologically it’s called the monkey mind. Always grabbing the next branch or thought. Lately, I have had a hard time keeping track of my thoughts. I have had my dad hat on this summer, I enjoy being a father. But, parenting kind of makes you lose your mind.
My girlfriend took a job in California, central coast area. Actually, I am about to go on a road trip to the central coast for a visit. I just needed to blog before the trip because I know I won’t have the time after the 8 hour drive with my boy.
I did live in Paso Robles when I was in the military and married. Great place near the ocean, lots of vineyards. I can say that, I had fun in spite of myself.
I look back at my life and I know all the problems I created are self-made. I am a dramatic person, you may not know it by how I act in public. 😉 But if you know me, I create drama, sometimes out of nothing. I get so wrapped up in myself that I lose track of my feelings and thoughts. When that happens I also lose track of my actions.
I recently have done a blog on my problems with gambling. This is by far the most pure example of addiction in my life. Looking back at drinking and drugs, I had a few fun times. Gambling, yeah maybe a few moments of great conquest. I feel more ashamed about my gambling addiction then about drugs or alcohol.
This is just me and where I am at, you may or may not relate. My counselor recently told me, “You do not have any problem with drugs or alcohol today”. I was all like ;). I know the deal, I am kind of cocky, but I am always going to be alcoholic.
Yeah, I still struggle with gambling, struggling is all I have ever known. It’s one of those things where I can be okay for a while. All of a sudden, I will be in some serious shit of my own making.
There is so little recovery work on this subject. Reno has only one place to go to GA. This is in the biggest little city in the world (do anything you want). Plenty of problem gamblers here, I guess its hard admitting it. For myself, in 13 years I know I spent over 200K.
My life now is at a crossroads. I keep asking myself, who am I really? Today I am taking my son to the place where he grew up as a baby. The place I was once married as a young soldier. Lol..
Down one path is the life that I let go of once upon a time. The family man in California with kids. Down the other path is Reno, the biggest little city of degenerate gamblers in the world.
I know moving location will not change the problem. I told Alex (my son), your dad knows all the places to gamble in California too! I say sometimes at meetings, “having four years clean in Reno… Where else would I want to drink myself to death?” I feel I will be okay anywhere else in the world with my other addictions. But right now, not so much the gambling issue…
Here is a bit of resolve that I am getting at.. For the sake of who I will become. The dreams I have above all the goals, of who I want to be. I will do the Gamblers Anonymous deal here in Reno! The same way I did AA when I got 3 DUI’s. The difference is, no one ever wrote me a ticket for gambling too fast! I have to do this one all on my own (well with a sponsor). I mean I have no Judge or courts on my ass.
This Blog, clears my mind. I mean, it cleans the clutter upstairs. I know I have to be honest first, when I started this blog, I thought I was. Now I realize, I am sicker than initially I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot about myself. But through bogging, I feel more right sized. I know now that I am actually more crazy then initially realized.
I have to continue to self-discover and grow. Or else, I will never freaking grow.. I will die just another random piece of trash in Reno. As romantically tragic as that sounds.. I think, I do not want to die alone in Reno.
I have some foolish ambition to be more than a sober judgmental asshole in Reno. I want to be a sober judgmental asshole with a family and pride that is worth a damn.