Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
I am at step 0 in GA. It does not matter what I have done in AA or what I have learned through any other means. If I am taking my life seriously, and I am. I need a fresh go at the steps of a much needed recovery program.
I remember the feelings that I had waking up in Jail about four years ago. My life has changed dramatically sense that night on June 11th 2013. I look back at those feelings and now, I feel the same at this moment. Confused, ashamed, powerless, and praying that this is the worst of it. This scenario in my life was played out 4 years ago, it is being played out again with my other serious addiction.
I have a sponsor in mind, I have a meeting in mind. I just have got to get started with the footwork. What is it that changed? It is like this version of who I am is at the top of his game. I am the best me that I know how to be. I am also emotionally bankrupt.
The best me that I know how to be is not good enough anymore. I have to grow beyond what I am supposed to be. I know and believe that the steps produce inside a spiritual experience. I know that spiritual change will happen once I begin to turn over my will to a power that I call God.
Knowing is not doing is it? God in my life has gotten so big. Larger than I ever thought possible. I still require God to work in my life. I need a power greater then myself to do what I cannot do.
When I first considered this process a possibility I was hitting bottom with Alcohol. It was amazing how I acted while going through the 12 steps. I was not the same person on the other end. I did not have the same character as when I first started AA. People noticed the change in my life. I noticed the change in my life.
I can’t keeping looking back at what has been done already. I cannot look at all the times that I failed to take action with this current addiction. I have to put one foot in front of the other and take proper action. One step at a time. In truth, doing the steps a 2nd time around feels just as hard as doing the steps the 1st time.
I will not get into all the reasons for my doubts. Read my some of my blogs on Gambling Addiction. This Addiction has taken up such a huge part of my identity! The feelings are so much “who I am”, I feel like part of me is dying. The jail this time around is inside my own crazy mind.
The truth is life has never been better on the outside than this point now. I encourage anyone thinking about it to take the 12 steps. I only worked them once. After 4 years I finally have an overwhelming urge to work the steps again. Gambling has landed me in my own mental jail. Like four years ago, I need help to get out.
Let me redirect.. Initially this blog was meant to talk about what recovery is like for me in Reno. I was planning on going over my own experience strength and hope as it relates to AA. Other topics I intended to cover included self-help, consoling resources and Veterans programs for various addictions. I am familiar with all of those things, and I feel totally capable expanding on any of those topics as they relate to my recovery.
I think the whole purpose of this blog has changed dramatically. Despite what I know, I must grow. I started this blog for a social media class. I will keep blogging, as I am doing the steps in the GA program.
This will be a fresh start for me. I never knew that I actually had the courage to give it everything. But I do have the courage. I mean, It hurts now. I have two sides on this issue. But I will go forward to win or lose at GA this is my step 0.