From your perspective it’s because I don’t have one.

The short answer; Authenticity. 

Let me start by saying.  My attitude may be something that is leading into a relapse.  That said, I have felt okay with going to a dark place as of late.  It is always shitty outside before you appreciate the good weather.

In the end, I hope this feeling leads to a new program.  One of total commitment to gamblers anonymous.  I am very much all or nothing with GA.  That said, I just can’t keep doing AA like I was anymore.  I would feel inauthentic.  Here is what I mean…

How can I in good conscious even go to AA and say I have 4 years clean.  Id probably be kicked out of a meeting for expressing myself.  Lol.  But, rightly so.  I do not respect myself for having a gambling problem.  I have been feeling crazy.  My roommate said, “get over your pity party!”  it’s a stupid fucking pattern.  Shit was so good this summer.  Now everything is all bad.  And knowing the pattern just makes me feel stupid.

Note:  I do graduate this year with a 4 year.  Took me 7 years.  Lol

After 4 years of AA, I feel like a copy of a copy of a copy.  Like that scene in fight club.  I will add a pic.  The point is, I was in the ARMY.  I know what the word program means.  It means you’re programmed!

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For a time life was good enough, until it was not good enough.

Here is the shit.  I know what any reader in AA is thinking.  This guy is going to relapse…  And if I do, you can say “I told you so”.  But until then, I am intent on working 12 steps in GA.  And for whatever reason I am putting it in a blog.

Blog = Brand.  And my brand is recovery, because I am programmed, no relapses yet, God willing.  With that, I am thankful.

But, if sobriety does not give me a life worth showing appreciation for??  I may as well relapse!  And there you go, I rationalized a relapse…

Let me say; Gambling has been killing me.  Just like a drug or a drink.  And it is a hell of a way to die..  In a casino, feeling like a zombie..  Oh its bad, Bottom-feeder, scum of the earth!

If I do gotta go, than I’d rather go with drugs then gambling.  Gambling is a completely pathetic way to die.  I sincerely mean that!

I made 3 meetings this last week at GA.  I share like: “I feel like I am crazy.  That said, I will not do this program seriously until I get a sponsor and work the 12 steps of GA.”

Never, never ever, will I be someone who just hangs around a program.  Not unless I do the deal. (Right now I am hanging around)

Well, I am trying to show consistency.  I am trying to show that I take this problem serious.

And that is why I am not hanging out at AA anymore.  I have been enjoying GA meetings.  Those guys are crazy, just like me.

I am sure my AA sponsor will say, “Good justification for a relapse.”  All I can say is maybe… I need something NEW.

Just being sober, is not good enough.  No more pink cloud.  No more faking it till..  No more…..

And perhaps, my sponsor would be right.  AA programmers would be right.   I may as well go drink.

Deep down, I want to be sober, like I was at first.  I never ever want to gamble again, for anything.  I want those things with Authenticity.

Thanks.  Follow me on twitter.  Friend me on FB, search Brandon Pausa.  Photo Cred. 

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