The Illusion of Control…

Have got to somehow keep peace of mind…  It is hard when all you notice is chaos…

This is a step 1 exercise!  How can I relate to the illusion of control over gambling?  Or addiction?

The real fear is the whole way everything is just normal..  Or fine…  My fears relate to that…

Some outside pressure that may consume me.  this type of feeling is anxiety..  Every day..

Part of me will always want to just relax and be myself.  So..  I often dream of living in Hawaii.  I often dream of travel.  I wonder if that will feel like freedom?

Ambition drives me onward toward financial freedom.  A type of feeling that you can measure.  But if you could measure freedom, how then would it ever be free?

But my mind wanders.  I probably will fall into some vast middle-class mediocrity..  Some sense of “Normal Life”.  The kind of feeling just like prescription med’s that work to keep your head in the game.  How do you not judge?

I believe..  I believe that the only way to be non judgmental is to see peoples commonality.  We are all the same..  Really..  None of us is such a big deal.. We are alike..  Have faith, in the common good.

I remember this one bible verse that relates to my current state:  Philippians 2:12

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling

Our effort..  Our works..  Effort does not save us..  Contrary to this;  I believe that efforts may condemn…


I am getting to a point were I do feel this way.  The fear..

What choice?  Self delusion or Self Righteousness?  If I could see a better choice I would take it…

I don’t want to wake up one day and find myself full of the same shit..  Also, I do not want to wake up one day and be astoundingly full us shit!

Surrender is about pride, ego, self..  In the end letting go..

Its all textbook fear…  Thanks for reading.  Hey, I am grateful that I have a sponsor who is way better at being “happy”!  Twitter link!  Facebook link!  Follow like and subscribe.  Thanks for showing up for my recovery.


2 thoughts on “The Illusion of Control…

  1. What is normal? I have a cousin who is homeless and happy as could be just playing his guitar and getting high. My son is happy living on the edge… extremes…. most people avoid that. Most of my friends are not wealthy yet very happy in their own skin. Normal is so subjective. What is wrong with living within societies idea of normal? We love the same, we hurt the same, we breathe the same air. It’s more about attitude.

    As for freedom,

    Someone once told me that the only thing money really buys is freedom. But freedom is also a state of mind. It’s all about attitude! Choosing to see the cup half full!


    1. You are a positive force. Thanks.


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