It felt innocent to gamble the first few times when I was young. I would take grandmothers quarter’s. I would often get penny ante games going with my friends. I would end up taking their grandmothers quarter’s as well.
Perhaps I was so good at gambling because I was innocent.. I was innocent when I was little, now I would say I often feel far from it. I am talking of the virtue of Innocence. I believe that men are made of virtue. Virtue is developed and nurtured. Virtue serves as a beacon.
While going through the recovery process. I break down daily what I do in life into small tasks. It is important that I ask myself, what virtue is this action pointing toward?
Empowerment is one of those things that is kind of true and kind of a lie. For insistence I can find empowerment from actions that I call good or bad!
Gambling captured my innocence. This is my story, and it seems very real to me. For those of you that don’t know me, I have a big problem with gambling. I think that any act that captures your attention to the point of escape will change your virtue.
Its funny, I am becoming older. My actions have slowed but are not dull. I see patterns in my own life that shape who I am becoming. For insistence, You work out to be stronger. You act friendly to be liked. I will say that consistency plays a large part in anything I give my time too.
Most of this seems simple enough. And recovery is much the same way.
Innocent behavior… What would that be? What does it take to make a man innocent? This sort of fits nicely with christian theology.. The price paid being, the blood of Christ. The only man to ever keep innocence (look it up). Putting this aside for now; but without God… The feeling of Innocence is kind of strange to me..
Or put another way. I find the feeling hard to accept. I find it hard to accept that I would even be interested in Innocence. The word Innocent, I do not know how to judge the feelings behind it..
I do not see anything bad with Innocent behavior. (Behaving as, you want people to believe you are innocent.) This generally keeps people going the right direction in life. And, good people are good for society. So Innocence is good for society.
My motivation for this feeling is something else. The ability to sleep at night. Walking out into action what I actually believe. And of course, gamblers are not innocent. Anyone will tell you that.
The opposite of Innocence would be guilt. Both guilt and Innocence put you in your place neatly! Here I am saying one is good and one is bad. I did not say, I am perfect and you should be perfect like me! Simply stated, It is better to lean toward the one virtue of Innocence rather than guilt.
At a minimum innocence is moving in the right direction. Much of recovery is like that. Early on in recovery, I always consider my virtue. Like now, I will often think of innocence (weeks or months) I do this, not in order to become innocent… More too understand what this or that virtue feels like. To sort of try them on. Take your pick this virtue or that.
Some people think judgment toward a virtue translates into judgement of a human being. I fully disagree with this idea. I think, when people question virtue they are one step away from what I call prayer. Kind of like asking God, is it good for me to be Innocent or Guilty? I believe this type of action necessary for growth.
Its all in the way you look at it… Process with good virtue friends.