I have not posted in a while because, well, I have had my doubts about recovery. I was not sure I would go on and push through some of my doubt. I did not know that I needed it anymore.
After all life is good. I have more than I deserve and I do have a higher power that I pray to often. After about 2 weeks of doubt, I started going back to meetings.
I needed to get back in. I picked up where I left off at step 5. I just completed it yesterday with a friend in the program, a military vet like myself. God just seemed to have placed this person near me, in central coast California.
The person I told my story too was one of those people that shared in my addiction and also in my recovery. In fact he is one of the only friends that I still have left from my days in my addiction.
I made my 8 list like a good boy while I was doing my step 5. I am in GA and AA, but this step was in reference to gambling. In GA you follow the guilt, in AA you follow the resentment.
If you read Major Todd (Part 1) Adderall and Gambling You will see that I was a pathological lair. Furthermore I was a pathological lair to my company commander. This basically means that I had no integrity. Now to a civilian, that probably means little. But in the Army it was a big problem.
By the way, you may be saying whats with this guy and Stallone? Does he have a man crush? It is safe to say that Rambo first blood part 2 is the reason why I joined the army! When I talk about the past in regard to my commander, I can really give him no higher complement then comparing him to my childhood hero.
Now I did my step 5 and I put my good commander in my story. He was always right as rain. This guy was believed in what he did. If you think about that, not many people even come close to believing in what they do.
So it is safe to say in my addiction, I hated him! In sobriety, this Man stands out as someone who spent more time with me than was absolutely necessary. I mean, I played every card I had in a attempt to BS my commander.
I would get called to the commanders office often, he would hand me his mission statement. One copy survived, I came across it last year. This I also reprinted without permission. Major Todd’s Mission Statement (John J) All of this I did before I actually gave up gambling.
Long story short, I have to update my LinkedIn because my old job is on my profile. It said I had a year selling insurance. My commander (affectionately) Major Todd aka John J shoots me a brief congrats message. You know how LinkedIn keeps track of work, its great for job hunting as well.
He says, glad you doing well, congrats. Now this prompted me to give him my whole story. 3 DUI’s, 200K spent on gambling, found God, worked the steps, ect ect.. And I got the nicest message back from him.
I mean, this is a guy, excuse the language, but I totally fucked him over. I am sure I deserved to be kicked out of the Army. I will put it to you this way. Everyone knew I was full of shit but myself. Most addicts can relate to this.
Let me add, I have 4.5 years not drinking as of June 11th 2013. So this time doing step 5 I thought, “sure I am more honest and humble now! I probably will not find anything new.” This was not true. I have several people on my 8 list to make amends too.
I kindly let him know that he made a big impact on my life. In hindsight, I was so selfish I had no idea how lucky I got with this guy. I got a honorable discharge and full military benefits. I feel like I got out, by the skin of my teeth.
There is something inside me, a part that I am not too proud of. This is why I expose myself online like this. Some people say, its not too your credit. Or it may hurt you! I say okay, but it may help someone else out.
I think, this has to be God at work in my life.
I have to say that I made informal amends. However, I need to make a formal one if I am following the program. I got a new sponsor to do steps 6 and 7 with. Once I get to step 8 I will have a better understanding of what I am working toward. This way when I admit my wrongs and ask if I can make things right? I will know what exactly wrongs I am admitting.
It must have been God, because if Brandon Pausa (Sgt Pausa) was in charge we would all be in trouble. If this gets to you John J, you set a military standard for the Army values. Thanks for putting your boot to my ass!
Thanks for reading, I am on Facebook and Twitter @KingPausa. I support those that want to arrest there addiction. God Bless!