God is bigger than Aliens

I have come to believe that the worst parts of me are incognito.  Some of the worst parts of who I am convince myself that they are indeed myself.

I do not want to get into the Ed Id and Ego.  That is so technical.

Let me just call them demons or monkeys on my back.  Whatever you want to call the things that keep you from living in the full light of life?

Lol, I am actually not quite a hipster anymore.  Or a hippie for that matter.  I am Christian but I do not go around telling everyone what God says!

Hey if anyone tells you what God says….  They are probably selling something!

I’ll put it like this.  My Roommate always is curious about alien life.  He watches these stupid documentaries about white trash on NetFlix.   Sometimes he asks, “what about life on other worlds, what do you think bro?”

aliens

I think that this is really stupid to ask.  The aliens probably fly by and say, “look at that planet, we call it the fishbowl!”  The question of alien life shows a genuine lack of fulfillment.  Like this planet is not big enough for me or you….

People feel apart from…   Folks want something bigger..  This charade that we call life…  You ever notice the types of folks that get find alien contact.  They are usually from Arizona or New Mexico.

Hey I am from Michigan, the land of 1000 red necks!  I consider Arizona to be the red neck capital of the west!  These people are so board, that they become self-important.  This is just stupid.  I guess what I am getting at is.

I believe in a higher power.

faith-rock

I did not mean to upset several groups of people.  I am in recovery.  I am going through a dramatic change.  At age 34, I want to live up to my own expectations of myself.  I mean realistic expectations of myself.

What I am saying is that, I do not believe that I have it all together!  Maybe it was the years of drugs.  Or the self-pity in early recovery.  Maybe the military showed me how to be angry for all the right reasons.

 

I know one thing.  The mess is so crazy inside my head that, I require God to sort it out.  I need my higher power to define me.  If that were to come true, well that would be nothing short of God saving a soul.

I need to be a better person.  Not for my family.  Not so I can make lots of money.  Not so I can die with pride.  I need to be a better person so I can be closer to my higher power.  Call it whatever you want!

Whatever I became in life today.  It was never what I imagined.  I am somewhere in-between my version of honesty, and, the man that God wants me to be.

No matter what.  I am not on here trying to convince you that alien’s fucked up my head!  I actually own that.  Every bit of this craziness in my head, its my doing.

Soon I am going to be Sad.  Soon I start the 12 steps of GA.  Soon I stop my meds.  Soon my son goes back to his mothers house.  Soon I will be alone.  Soon I will feel sad about that.

I think that if I somehow manage that..  Well..  God is bigger than my problems.  God is sure as hell bigger than aliens.

And no, God did not tell me this.  I am not selling anything.  Not today anyways…

I almost called this God VS. The Aliens.  Just for attention.  Then I realized..  If Aliens are, God made them, so he is not against them.

Wondering what this is about.  Check out my introduction video on my about page!  Just click on that link, video should be at the bottom of the page.    Want to follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

Link to cover photo credit.   Alien photo credit.  Faith rock photo credit.

Welcome to Step 0

Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am at step 0 in GA.  It does not matter what I have done in AA or what I have learned through any other means.  If I am taking my life seriously, and I am.  I need a fresh go at the steps of a much needed recovery program.

I remember the feelings that I had waking up in Jail about four years ago.  My life has changed dramatically sense that night on June 11th 2013.  I look back at those feelings and now, I feel the same at this moment.  Confused, ashamed, powerless, and praying that this is the worst of it.  This scenario in my life was played out 4 years ago, it is being played out again with my other serious addiction.

I have a sponsor in mind, I have a meeting in mind.  I just have got to get started with the footwork.  What is it that changed?  It is like this version of who I am is at the top of his game.  I am the best me that I know how to be.  I am also emotionally bankrupt.

The best me that I know how to be is not good enough anymore.  I have to grow beyond what I am supposed to be.  I know and believe that the steps produce inside a spiritual experience.  I know that spiritual change will happen once I begin to turn over my will to a power that I call God.

Knowing is not doing is it?  God in my life has gotten so big.  Larger than I ever thought possible.  I still require God to work in my life.  I need a power greater then myself to do what I cannot do.

When I first considered this process a possibility I was hitting bottom with Alcohol.  It was amazing how I acted while going through the 12 steps.  I was not the same person on the other end.  I did not have the same character as when I first started AA.  People noticed the change in my life.  I noticed the change in my life.

I can’t keeping looking back at what has been done already.  I cannot look at all the times that I failed to take action with this current addiction.  I have to put one foot in front of the other and take proper action.  One step at a time.  In truth, doing the steps a 2nd time around feels just as hard as doing the steps the 1st time.

I will not get into all the reasons for my doubts.  Read my some of my blogs on Gambling Addiction.  This Addiction has taken up such a huge part of my identity!  The feelings are so much “who I am”, I feel like part of me is dying.  The jail this time around is inside my own crazy mind.

The truth is life has never been better on the outside than this point now.  I encourage anyone thinking about it to take the 12 steps.  I only worked them once.  After 4 years I finally have an overwhelming urge to work the steps again.  Gambling has landed me in my own mental jail.  Like four years ago, I need help to get out.

Let me redirect..  Initially this blog was meant to talk about what recovery is like for me in Reno.  I was planning on going over my own experience strength and hope as it relates to AA.  Other topics I intended to cover included self-help, consoling resources and Veterans programs for various addictions.  I am familiar with all of those things, and I feel totally capable expanding on any of those topics as they relate to my recovery.

I think the whole purpose of this blog has changed dramatically.  Despite what I know, I must grow.  I started this blog for a social media class.  I will keep blogging, as I am doing the steps in the GA program.

This will be a fresh start for me.  I never knew that I actually had the courage to give it everything.  But I do have the courage.  I mean, It hurts now.  I have two sides on this issue.  But I will go forward to win or lose at GA this is my step 0.

Follow me on twitter.  Find my about me page.  I will link a personal video soon.
Thanks all.

photo credit

I Proud Monkey, I More than I believe!

My mind is in the same state as my house.

Well right now, having my 10 year old here, my house is trashed.

Psychologically it’s called the monkey mind.  Always grabbing the next branch or thought.  Lately, I have had a hard time keeping track of my thoughts.  I have had my dad hat on this summer, I enjoy being a father.  But, parenting kind of makes you lose your mind.

My girlfriend took a job in California, central coast area.  Actually, I am about to go on a road trip to the central coast for a visit.  I just needed to blog before the trip because I know I won’t have the time after the 8 hour drive with my boy.

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Family times

I did live in Paso Robles when I was in the military and married.  Great place near the ocean, lots of vineyards.  I can say that, I had fun in spite of myself.

I look back at my life and I know all the problems I created are self-made.  I am a dramatic person, you may not know it by how I act in public.  😉  But if you know me, I create drama, sometimes out of nothing.  I get so wrapped up in myself that I lose track of my feelings and thoughts.  When that happens I also lose track of my actions.

I recently have done a blog on my problems with gambling.  This is by far the most pure example of addiction in my life.  Looking back at drinking and drugs, I had a few fun times.  Gambling, yeah maybe a few moments of great conquest.  I feel more ashamed about my gambling addiction then about drugs or alcohol.

This is just me and where I am at, you may or may not relate.  My counselor recently told me, “You do not have any problem with drugs or alcohol today”.  I was all like ;).  I know the deal, I am kind of cocky, but I am always going to be alcoholic.

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Brandon 19 in ARMY

Yeah, I still struggle with gambling, struggling is all I have ever known.  It’s one of those things where I can be okay for a while.  All of a sudden, I will be in some serious shit of my own making.

There is so little recovery work on this subject.  Reno has only one place to go to GA.  This is in the biggest little city in the world (do anything you want).  Plenty of problem gamblers here, I guess its hard admitting it.  For myself, in 13 years I know I spent over 200K.

My life now is at a crossroads.  I keep asking myself, who am I really?  Today I am taking my son to the place where he grew up as a baby.  The place I was once married as a young soldier.  Lol..

Down one path is the life that I let go of once upon a time.  The family man in California with kids.  Down the other path is Reno, the biggest little city of degenerate gamblers in the world.

I know moving location will not change the problem.  I told Alex (my son), your dad knows all the places to gamble in California too!  I say sometimes at meetings, “having four years clean in Reno…  Where else would I want to drink myself to death?”  I feel I will be okay anywhere else in the world with my other addictions.  But right now, not so much the gambling issue…

Here is a bit of resolve that I am getting at..  For the sake of who I will become.   The dreams I have above all the goals, of who I want to be.  I will do the Gamblers Anonymous deal here in Reno!  The same way I did AA when I got 3 DUI’s.  The difference is, no one ever wrote me a ticket for gambling too fast!  I have to do this one all on my own (well with a sponsor).  I mean I have no Judge or courts on my ass.

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Alex Newborn, Paso Robles, CA

This Blog, clears my mind.  I mean, it cleans the clutter upstairs.  I know I have to be honest first, when I started this blog, I thought I was.  Now I realize, I am sicker than initially I thought.  Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot about myself.  But through bogging, I feel more right sized.  I know now that I am actually more crazy then initially realized.

I have to continue to self-discover and grow.  Or else, I will never freaking grow..  I will die just another random piece of trash in Reno.  As romantically tragic as that sounds..  I think, I do not want to die alone in Reno.

I have some foolish ambition to be more than a sober judgmental asshole in Reno.  I want to be a sober judgmental asshole with a family and pride that is worth a damn.

Link to my home page.  Find me on Twitter.  Share and comment, thanks.

Photo Credit

Boldly considering not gambling EVER! 

Considering being “willing to try and have the willingness”.  Thinking about, what it would be like thinking about it.  It is the precursor in sobriety to “let’s get real and take shit serious”.

One of my biggest demons is the Casino.  If you’re interested in degenerate gambler actions see (Major Todd Adderall and gambling).

The fact is, I never honestly put everything into breaking my gambling addiction.  At times I still flirt with the beast.  I’m sober so I know addiction: with gambling, It is not what I want for my life.  I have no sense of control.

Anyway, AA works, Sobriety is great!  I can tell you how I stay sober till I am blue in the face.  Gambling, I can not tell you how not to gamble.  I do not know that.

My gambling though….  Sometimes, I think of steps 6 and 7.

  1. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  2. Humbly asked him to remove our short comings.

When I got to these steps in my recovery I was like.  Yeah OKAY!  Sure!  Fake it till I make it right?

In gambling we call that hedging the bet..  Keeping your fingers crossed behind your back while shaking hands with your sponsor.

Eventually I did ask my sponsor.  “I don’t drink no more and that is great.  What about the fact that I am addicted to gambling?”  He said, “Let’s focus on one problem at a time”.  It was a good answer at the time.  Drinking was going to end me up in Jail or dead.  But now (4 years later) I feel different.

Sickest part of gambling, I did it to run away from feelings/people/life.  Today, I do not have any excuses.  I like my feelings people and life!  I think so..

(Indulge my ego a minute!)  I am a disabled vet, (college and rent paid).  I just bought a 2011 mustang.  I am privileged to be a father.  Sober 4 years.  Oh, I started dating a doctor last year.  Awesome!

What Triggered (Recently)?:  I got this ultimate card in the mail, (it is a 4th tier Casio card) I get my own parking spot near the door, free pizza, $40 bucks in free play and discount rooms.  You know, free bullshit!  I had to go and check it out.  Hours later, bad story..

With things today, I have my son over the summer.  I drove across the US and went to a bunch of AA meetings in different states.  I expose him to “the deal”, it is great for my sobriety.  Yesterday I took my son to a GA meeting with me.  Why not, he has been to every other kind of meeting?  Going to GA with my 10 year old was impact-full!

Dent

 

With GA I always had my foot half in the door.  Honestly I can say, “I do not want to be a gambler.”  But sometimes, even when I am sober I am not myself, I am someone else.  I think of the character Two Face from Bat-Man!  And when I gamble, it gets pretty fucking sick.  You would think I am trying to lose money.

I take issue with my actions when I act like I don’t want to act.  People in casinos are not living life, they are like animals being brought to slaughter.  Sometimes I don’t gamble, a month maybe two.  When I go back, it may even be a good experience.  Eventually, days later, bad story.   (I got 9 months on my own one time, living in Reno.)

(Honestly) I never put EVERYTHING into not gambling.  I have not been totally willing until I took my boy with me.  I went to a GA newcomers meeting yesterday.  I got my welcome key-chain.  When I spoke, “I need a sponsor, I need to be here, I will shut the fuck up and listen”!  That is where I am at.  I know, “Keep coming back, even with 4 years sober!”  lol

What about you, thoughts concerns questions.  Follow me on my WordPress blog here.  Thanks for reading.  Ill continue to post some good stuff mixed with some piles of monkey crap.

Stay sober, B

Picture Credit.